Niceguy Speaks!

Take THAT George Lucas. Right, it's like 1:30 in the AM and I am writing answers.

and since you asked for it:  PARTIAL NUDITY!!!

I am doing this whole blog topless! Aren't you lucky you get to see this?  Marvel in awe at my nearly naked man-form!Just don't throw underwear like at the Tom Jones concerts, that's just weird.

On with the Show!

This weeks question is: "Niceguy why can't I?"  or "Niceguy why can't you?"

#1) Niceguy, how do you always know the right answers to my questions?  You are amazing!
   
Although this is in fact not in keeping with the format of this week, I cannot fight the temptation to stroke my own ego.  I have actually answered this before, I know the answers to your questions because I am psychic and I can read the cosmic Ether (cosmic Ether is as narcotic as the regular stuff, but less dangerous).

#2) Niceguy, why can't I achieve an erection?

    There could be two reasons.  The first, and hardest to diagnose, is some kinda emotional trauma.  Try to picture someone you might like to show your erection to.  Are they laughing and pointing?  Then it's probably trauma.  The other one is much easier to diagnose (and I think it is your problem).  Look down.  Is there, in fact, no penis there at all?  You are a girl, girls don't get erections, they give them.  If your man can't get one, pray that their problem is of the first variety.  The alternative may change your life.

#3) Niceguy, why can't you date me?

    Apart from having recently discovered that I am not much for dating, with very few exceptions, outside of platonic-friend-style dates (like the kind I am not going on on valentines day, because I am lame). The real reason is that I hear that the one you call "Ryan" has himself a pretty swell shotgun and a shovel, and I would't like to never be found again.

#4)  Nick, why can't I burp?

    I have never heard of this problem.  I have heard of something similar.  this girl could not produce flatulence.  I will tell you what I told her: "weird."  I was less helpful in those days.  Actually I think the root of your problem is genetic.  You have the "social grace" gene.  Basically it is an inhibitor gene that keeps you from doing socially awkward things.  It's great, except on those days when you do a pub crawl and you can't seem to manage to say "please sign my breast for our pub crawl." You win some, you lose some I guess.

#5)  Nick, why can't you be a full-time pirate?

    I cannot be a full-time pirate for one good reason:  I am a full time Niceguy.  It's a difficult job, and full-time piracy would be too much.  On a related note, if I end up on subs, apparently that fly the skull and crosbones on the successful completion of missions when they come back into port.    So I could be a part-time pirate...if I went subs.  I'd kinda rather not go subs, I like clean air and the sun too much.

Okay I am done.  Be sure to ask your questions for the next episode:  "Niceguy, which is better/worse....?"

Niceguy Out!

Yes I know, I update not enough.  Sue me*.
ON WITH THE SHOW!

This episodes question is thusly:  "Niceguy, whats my favourite...?"  Woo!

#1) Niceguy, what is my favourite pet's name?
   
    That is a good question.  The way one could interpret it, you could be asking the name of your current favorite pet.  OR you could be asking the name you think would be the best to give any pet.  Given the placement of apostrophe I'ma go with the first.  I am looking into the swirling muck of the cosmic Ether....Got it!  Your favorite pet is the one you call Fengo!

It's actually kinda a shame, cause you didn't know it but your favorite name ever for to give a pet is Jethro.  Think about it, cute little Fengo could have been cute little Jethro.  Remember that for next time.

#2)  Nick, what is my favorite rainy-day pastime?

     I will forgo the etiquette break on this one in not using my pen name.  BUT ONLY ONCE!  Who am I kidding, I'd probably forgive it every time.  Anywhoo, your favorite rainy day pastime is difficult to see.  Its actually, I think, two or three different pastimes.   First, you love to go out and splash in puddles with a handsome guy who also happens to love a good puddle-splashy marathon.  You don't really like getting soaking wet, but it is fun and you really do like curling up in front of a fire with some hot chocolate and a blanket and drying off with the hunk (on top of being HAWT and fun, he is also soft..so he makes a great drying-off pillow).

Another thing you love is to have a nap, cause sleeping with the soft patter of rain on your roof (you nap inside when it's raining) is soothing.

Also you like to tell your annoying sister that her favorite...doll or whatever...is outside getting soaked, then locking the doors when she rushes out to save it.  Classic.

#3)  Nick, what is my favourite food?

Too easy.  Soylent Green.  Nutritious and delicious, it can't possibly be bad in any way!  Yum!

Also you like pizza. Who doesn't love pizza? Thats not a  tough one.  Here's one nobody else saw coming.  You love pigs feet.  MMM aren't they delicious?  If you haven't tried it, you cannot claim that you know what your favorite food does, cause I guess only I do.

There you go.  Now you know what your favorite things are.  This question was a lot less funny than I thought it was gonna be.  So I guess this weeks question is gonna have to be more hilarious.  So here we go:  "Niceguy why can't I...?" alternately you can ask "Niceguy, why can't you...?"  Also, since readership is still down, the next episode will contain PARTIAL NUDITY!  Tell your friends!

Niceguy Out!

*please don't sue me.  I do not like courts, they're scary.

Welcome back to another answer filled session with everyone's fav'rit (I love adding unnecessary apostrophes) fake psychologist, ME!

Today we answer your burning questions on "Niceguy, when should I"

Question The Firste:  "Niceguy, when should I change my underwear?"

This is actually a really good question, and one many people don't know the correct answer to.  The problem actually lies in the question itself.  It can be interpreted too many ways.  For example one could argue that you are asking when you should buy new undies and replace the ones you have.  One could also claim that you are asking when one should take their undies off and put on a fresher pair.  The final one, and I think the most important one, is when should one change their style of underwear.  I will answer all of them.

When should you buy new undies?  This one is the easiest, and also the most fun.  To determine whether your undies have past their prime is easy; there are two tests.  The first test is called the fabric-hole test.  This can only be done with undies that have a lot of fabric.  All you do is put the underwear on like normal, except let your foot drag on the fabric a little.  If you find that your foot fell through a hole that wasn't supposed to be there, replace the undies.  The second test is the elastic-stretch test.  I like to call it the makeshift slingshot test.  Take your questionable undies outside and use them to make a makeshift slingshot, by stretching the elastic between two sticks.  If your undies still have enough stretch to get a small water balloon across your street, they're still good.  As a bonus you can take a picture of  whichever pairs were accurate enough to nail the annoying kid on your street right between the eyes and put the photo up on a wall of fame.

When should you put on a fresher pair of undies?  this all depends on the season.  There are three schools of though on that subject.  The first comes from Friedrich Von Schmellingbhad.  He claimed that you could wear underwear in four seperate orientations, which he named "normal," "inside out," "backwards," and "none of the above."  Why he didn't just call it "inside out backwards" only he will ever know.  He claimed that since these were essentially like having new underwear on, the same pair could last 4 days.  He was never very popular in his social circle though, so I wouldn't trust him.  The second school of though comes from Ewen McCleenreer.  He said that every 15 minutes one should excuse him or herself to replace their gitch.  He went bankrupt due to poor financial planning, and you shouldn't trust anyone who fiinancially plans poorly.  The third and final school of thought stems from Olaf theVery Wise; the wisest viking ever.  He said you should change your underwear after every shower, since, unless it wasn't a very thorough shower, your undies would probably be all wet at that point and nobody likes a wet bottom.  His advice is particularly amazing when you think about how vikings didn't even know what showers were.  He was really that wise.

Finally, you should never change your underwear style if you are happy with it and it makes you feel comfy...Unless you think that other people might be seeing your undies soon and laughing at your style.  in that case, I reccommend going out and getting some Flash Gordon underoos.  Anyone who laughs at you then is just fooling themselves.

There it is, everythign you always wanted to know about changing underwear.

Question #2(also the last question...I think my readership is falling...I may have to resort to partial nudity to boost my ratings.)

"Niceguy, when should I give up and move to Australia and become a crazy Kangaroo Lady?"

Aha!  This is actually cleverly three questions in one!  Nice try, but I'm on to your little game.
The first: when should you give up.  NEVER!  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.  What would have happened if Captain Kirk had given up and assumed that Khan really was going to win?  I'll tell you what: galactic chaos.  Total anarchy.  Basically the worst parts of the bible, had the bible been written by sci-fi novelists.  Do you want to be known as the person who gave up and allowed interstellar unrest? Didn't think so.

The Next: When should you move to Australia.  This is rather tougher.  I would say right now, but then all your friends wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye or anything.  I think what would be best is maybe to visit Australia, see how you like it and how it likes you.  Kind of a try before you buy type thing.  then if you see that all the people in Australia are actually cooler than your current friends where you are right now you can trade your return ticket for air freight fare for all your furniture.  You should still write your original friends.  Maybe as you integrate with the cooler aussie friends some of that cool will rub off on the lesser friends. 

The Last:  Never ever become a crazy kangaroo lady.  Kaptain Kangaroo tried the crazy kangaroo person thing, it didn't turn out so well for him.  Instead try to go for the cool koala bear person.  Noone has tried that yet, you'd have the market cornered.

There you have it.  Now you know when to do everything...or at least 6 things.  Hey, if you sent more questions, you'd know when to do more things.

Next time on "Niceguy Answers!" I will answer the question "Niceguy, when is it inappropriate to...?"

This is gonna be juicy!

Niceguy Out!

It has been sent to all my adoring fans, and everyone else who showed a mild interest, or anyone who I assumed might show interest if I promised money with it.  If you didn't get it and you fall into these categories, lemme know and I will add you to the mailing list.

Niceguy!

P.S. I have already gotten one positive feedback on the special, so if you didn't laugh or (god forbid) like the episode, you should see a psychologist because 2 against 1 says you are crazy.  

I realize that the majority of the world hasn't read my clothing essays, and this kinda bothers me, as they are well  written pieces on the art of dressing.  Something must be done!  I need ideas from everyone on the best way to disseminate this information to the world.  Mebbe I will have to finally put up that website I have been meaning to start....

Also to those of you who know what the clothing essays are, please let me know what you think of maybe reviving the series.  I recall that I did promise to write a piece on earmuffs.  Is there any interest?


Niceguy Out!

Hello everyone, welcome to the second installment of  "Niceguy Answers!" (I just made that name up, sweet huh?)

Todays question is "Niceguy where s the best place to....?"

1) "Niceguy, where is the best place to sleep?"

   Oh man, am I ever glad you asked.  Many people think that the best place to sleep is in their beds.  WRONG!  I have had bad sleep in my bed many a time.  There is only one place I haven't ever slept badly; 1st year physics.  Heres what you do:  grab a big ol' hat, something fluffy and go find a first year physics class.  Try to find a double or triple class and sit near the back, that way you maximize your time dozing and minimize your disturbance of the actual class.  If questioned on why you were sleeping in the class, claim you are a drama major and one of your recent assignments was to see if you could convince three profs that you were actually asleep in class.  If the prof buys it, get him to sign you a note.  If he questions you, give him a fake name and find a new class.

2) "Niceguy, where is the best place to eat?"

   Trick question, there are actually three best places in the world to eat.  Number one is a little place called chez your parents.  Lets see a restaraunt top eating a super sandwich(or whaterver your mom's signature dish is) in your superman polyester underoos while you watch A Christmas Story.  They can't.  Next is the park.  Grab a wicker basket (it is okay to cheat and use a cooler or something, but you won't enjoy it as much) and a blanket, some nice bakery style bread and buns, some lunchmeats, some fruit and cheese, and salads(I like macaroni) and have yourself a picnic a field.  Awesome.  Just watch out for ants and dogs.  Also you should be wearing more than your underwear for this.  Finally, the third best place to eat is any deli.  Delis have real breads (like the picnic bread!) and meats and such, and are usually owned by delightful european people who love food almost as much as Romeo loved his first pet dog 'Muttsy McDoggins'.  Thats good eatin'

3)  "Niceguy, wheres the best place to meet a husband?"

   Hah, no problem.  Here's the trick, go to a ballet or opera.  90% of the guys there are husbands.  Most of them actually hate the opera and are only there to please their wives, so meeting them is easy pickings.  Just walk up to one and ask him if he happens to know how the local sports team did the last time they played (a little research is required) and in no time you will be chatting away like old friends.  Meeting husbands was never so easy.  though I don't know why you would ask a question like that, seems to me a young girl would want to meet single guys.  I wouldn't reccomend going to the opera or ballet to meet single guys, as most of them will probably be doing the same.

Alright!  That was fun!  I hope you enjoyed this installment of "Niceguy Answers!"

Next time, I will answer the question "Niceguy why do guys....?"

Everything you always wanted to know about why guys do things and more!

Niceguy Out!


I missed one!

4) Niceguy,  where is the best place to hide a body?

    I seem to remeber a video documentary(I think it was a documentary) where some guys hide a dead body by pretending he is alive.  I think the guys name bas Berty or something....  They are wrong however.  the best place to hide a dead body is with my collection of Mony Python movies.  Where are my Python movies at, you ask?  I HAVE NO IDEA!  They have been missing for over 2 years now. Seriously, if you want something not found, wherever that is seems to be the place.  If ever they turn up, it'll be so long from now that the body won't even be recognizable.  As an added bonus, nobody will even notice the body for a while, due to the fact that there will be a treasure trove of monty python goodness to watch, giving you ample time to move the body to the second best place to hide a dead body: The Verizon Basic Math Offices.  If you don't get that, go to The Consumerist to read, and if you have the patience, hear all about it.

Niceguy Out Again!